Wee Pie

For those of you who can't contain yourselves at the thought of having to wait a couple of weeks before this prestigious event, here is a wee ditty to whet your appetite.
Just remember the old adage 'Never mind the quality, feel the width'.

The Suit

There was an old tailor called Nobby
Who in truth was a bit of a jobby
He needed a suit
To let him get oot
So he called on his old pal Bobby

Now Bobby was painting a lobby
For this was a bit of a hobby
But he knew how to stitch
And without a hitch
He enlisted his boy called Robbie

Robbie was known as a dandy
In his hands the ladies were candy
One of his latest loves
Had plenty of curves
Oh! how her legs were so bandy

But to Robbie the two had to pander
And lodged him a wee back hander
For one of his joabs
Was to make a’ the robes
When he worked for Claude Alexander

The boy was most imperial
With glee went after the material
He lumbered a smasher
A local haberdasher
And risked disease so venereal

The encounter got him some cloth
And so with a bit of a froth
Took it back to his dad
Said it looks no sae bad
But watch oot for the sign of a moth

To Nobby the cloth they did move
It was up to him to approve
He said he would take it
And imagined the jaiket
Which would put him back in the groove

So on they went at their leisure
And Nobby they duly did measure
But he had to beg
On his inside leg
They didnae mess with his treasure

Instructions were barked
And the cloth was then marked
A command was made
And an extra bit laid
On the place his bum would be parked

Every team has its fault
And this one’s was malt
They were sorely tempted
For the bottle to be emptied
Hence progress soon came to a halt

They resumed the work wi’ a passion
The tin flute would be the height of fashion
They cut with a knife
But after the water of life
The boys’ false teeth were a’ gnashin’

The three cavaliers were almost in tears
For realised were the worst of their fears
The legs there were three
How could that be?
So they decided to stop for some beers

After emptying a keg
Nobby phoned his wife Meg
When telt o’ the faffing
She peed herself laughing
At the breeks for Jake the Peg

But these boys were no losers
So they made some new troosers
With the cloth that remained
The pants were regained
And off they went tae the boozers

When it came to the fitting
It was more like a flitting
Lots of pins and thread
And material to be shed
No time for talking or sitting

In time the new suit
Had really come aboot
The team were well pleased
And Nobby they teased
What a spectacular colourful rig oot

Big stripes were the theme
Caused Nobby to beam
He truly was glowing
And the plaudits were flowing
As he walked down through the scheme

He was told one thing mair
Because his friends they did care
Of this we beseech
Don’t go down to the beach
Or be mistaken for a bloody deck chair

Nobby took this on board
For the beach he ignored
He got some new shoes
With similar hues
And how his street cred had soared

To stop his hair getting mocked
He delved into his inside pocket
Brought out his fur hat
Wi a tail like a cat
And marched on like Davy Crocket

Although the end is now nigh
Without the word of a lie
This is no fable
For he took the top table
At the Irvine Tailors Wee Pie

So a suggestion I moot
To think long aboot
We could maybe remember
As part of the agenda
To make an Address to the Suit

We would a’ pipe it in
And clap wi’ a din
As the suit was addressed
And then be well blessed
With wine or whisky or gin

But such is our habit
We’ll no get a’ crabbit
Because haggis it’s no
So respect we will show
And certainly we’ll no want to stab it

You may think this was daft
And my brains have gone saft
But charge your glasses
Get aff yer asses
And toast the Irvine Tailor Craft