An Ode to Jimmy's Finger.
You've hurt your finger? Puir wee man! Your pinkie? Deary me! Noo, juist you haud it that wey till I get my specs and see!
My, so it is - and there's the cut! Noo, dinna greet nae mair. See there - Dr Rex MD(geriatrics) has got a plaster! I'm sure that wasna sair?
And noo, to make it hale the morn, Put on a wee bit saw, And tie a Bonnie hankie roun't Noo, there na - rin awa'!
Your finger sair ana' Ronnie? Ye rogue, You're only lettin' on. Weel, weel, then - see noo, there ye are, Row'd up the same as Jimmy!
Future Recommendations from the H&E Executive
Use a pair of walking poles on outings
Wear a cycling helmet when walking over rocks( this will also protect you near wind farms).
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Sponsors clamber for Early Ooters
Sponsors rush to back Early Ooters in the Laxative League
Paul - SJFA
Davie - Guide Dogs for the Deaf
Peter - Confused.com
Robert - Mosset Tourist Board
Johnny - Performing Rights Society
Alan - Killit Bang
Jimmy - Noel Harrison (in memory of his big 60's hit)
Allan - Stannah Stairlifts
Holly - Guide Dogs for the Wandered
Rex - Age Concern (Dollar)
Ian - British Bakeries
Ronnie - Portaloo
'Laxative League now shit shape'
Teams from near and far have committed themselves (some say have been
committed) to the new League.
TV rights were to be have been provided by Setanta but the paperwork
was never completed.
(Well seen that teachers were involved).
This now confirms once and for all that there ain't no Setanta Clause.
AC/DC Milan - the Italian giants have been promised new frocks for the
opening ceremony.
Ayr Town Senna - this lot are so quick off the mark that they leave
skid marks all over the place
CSKA Moscow - coming from a small village these boys did well to
qualify for the Eurology Cup, UEFa's new trophy for the over 55's.
Patna Back Juniors - well done to the boys for being able to wheel
themselves on to the park for every game
Pro State Dribblers - previous winners of the Catheter Cup, they are
well respected by their peers
Craigmark Burntonians - composed (maybe even composted) by those who
couldn't remember that you press your pants before putting them on
Dailly Doses - another local outfit who are sponsored by the makers of
Viagra. They will be hard nuts to crack
FC Porter - this Portuguese ladies team are the only squad to wear knee
pads as well as shin pads. Get a lot of doggies abuse.
Sanquhar (Without Trace) Rovers - Team of former submariners who are
very used to each other's company. The lads have gone from living in
metal tubes to surviving in iron lungs.
Maidens United - the second ladies team to grace the league. In the
unlikely event that they score a goal, the scorer celebrates by doing
three zimmersaults
Early Shooters - spectators need to come early to see this team in
action
Fartick Pissle - gloriously won the Incontinental Cup sponsored by
Goodyear Rubber. Blew the opposition away
Cardiac City - produced some heart - stopping moments when bypassing
Glasgow strangers to qualify for the tournament. Have been in the
transplant, sorry, transfer, market looking for new blood.
Paris Amyerman - Recently won 'France's got talent', but not for their
footballing prowess. Less likely to score than Susan Boyle.
Bayern Munchkin - coached by the Wizard of Oz (WCP gets everywhere)
this small outfit benefited from the introduction of some fruity South
Africans. The Merlot the Merrier is the team's motto.
Paul - SJFA
Davie - Guide Dogs for the Deaf
Peter - Confused.com
Robert - Mosset Tourist Board
Johnny - Performing Rights Society
Alan - Killit Bang
Jimmy - Noel Harrison (in memory of his big 60's hit)
Allan - Stannah Stairlifts
Holly - Guide Dogs for the Wandered
Rex - Age Concern (Dollar)
Ian - British Bakeries
Ronnie - Portaloo
'Laxative League now shit shape'
Teams from near and far have committed themselves (some say have been
committed) to the new League.
TV rights were to be have been provided by Setanta but the paperwork
was never completed.
(Well seen that teachers were involved).
This now confirms once and for all that there ain't no Setanta Clause.
AC/DC Milan - the Italian giants have been promised new frocks for the
opening ceremony.
Ayr Town Senna - this lot are so quick off the mark that they leave
skid marks all over the place
CSKA Moscow - coming from a small village these boys did well to
qualify for the Eurology Cup, UEFa's new trophy for the over 55's.
Patna Back Juniors - well done to the boys for being able to wheel
themselves on to the park for every game
Pro State Dribblers - previous winners of the Catheter Cup, they are
well respected by their peers
Craigmark Burntonians - composed (maybe even composted) by those who
couldn't remember that you press your pants before putting them on
Dailly Doses - another local outfit who are sponsored by the makers of
Viagra. They will be hard nuts to crack
FC Porter - this Portuguese ladies team are the only squad to wear knee
pads as well as shin pads. Get a lot of doggies abuse.
Sanquhar (Without Trace) Rovers - Team of former submariners who are
very used to each other's company. The lads have gone from living in
metal tubes to surviving in iron lungs.
Maidens United - the second ladies team to grace the league. In the
unlikely event that they score a goal, the scorer celebrates by doing
three zimmersaults
Early Shooters - spectators need to come early to see this team in
action
Fartick Pissle - gloriously won the Incontinental Cup sponsored by
Goodyear Rubber. Blew the opposition away
Cardiac City - produced some heart - stopping moments when bypassing
Glasgow strangers to qualify for the tournament. Have been in the
transplant, sorry, transfer, market looking for new blood.
Paris Amyerman - Recently won 'France's got talent', but not for their
footballing prowess. Less likely to score than Susan Boyle.
Bayern Munchkin - coached by the Wizard of Oz (WCP gets everywhere)
this small outfit benefited from the introduction of some fruity South
Africans. The Merlot the Merrier is the team's motto.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
2nd X1
It has been suggested that the 1st X1 could not last the full 90 minutes of a game and that a team of reserves/substitutes be assembled.This led to a flurry of activity during the transfer window - but nobody would take Peter. However people have been queuing up to take part.
The 2nd X1 (at the moment) consists of:
Moses: Great in goals in the wet, easily parts the water and is putting pressure on Paul. However Paul has hit back with his GPS - Great Puddle Separator.
Clint Eastwood: Starred in the film 'Play Misty For Me' and hence has an association with Davie. Also took the part of Rowdy Yates in 'Rawhide' - a programme about the after effects of a week in Mosset.
The barmaid at the Merrick: Can't play that well but makes up for it in the showers. Has also agreed to be the team physio and masseuse. It is now difficult to get a team on the park due to the long list of injuries for which a spell on the treatment table is necessary. She has been well warned not to rub Davie up the wrong way. Has been nicknamed 'Lazarus' - something to do with raising the dead.
Fred Goodwin aka Fred the Shred: Team needs a hard man and tough tackler to intimidate the opposition. Fred has never beeen booked or sent off - gets away with murder by apologising to the ref. Once said he wouldn't play football for a pension.
Bill Gates: I.T. expert is needed if/when Johnny goes off - this will depend on what he has been eating or drinking the night before. Used to be the world's richest man but his monopoly on the distribution of software has been hit hard by a little known company working out of Bank Street.
George Michael: Was surfing the net looking for Early Oofters but due to a typing mistake came across us. Liked the look of what he saw when Robert was debagged on the Coran of Portmark walk and thought 'I could do that'. Due to his high profile has asked that his entry to the team should be by the back door. P.S. Worryingly, has not realised he made a typing mistake. Asks what the toilet facilities are.
Justin and Colin (the gay interior designers): Like George were looking for something else on the net. Thought the Early Ooters were about coming out early in life. Have enjoyed the blog and are keen to participate. No use at football but if we need any ball boys...
Muffin the Mule: Most of the squad were brought up on Muffin. It is just as well that Disclosure Scotland was not around when the boys entered the profession, else their careers might not have got off the ground. On second thoughts, might all have ended up as Head Teachers.
A one-eyed clairvoyant called Julian: With his glass eye and crystal balls Julian adds a new dimension when he goes for a tinkle. Lost his eye when hit by a coin thrown from the crowd at a game. Didn't see it coming.
The old geezer from Dollar: following in the traditions of the Old Firm, anyone who has a good game against you is signed up and immediately forgotten about in the reserves. Better to have him on your side rather than playing against him. Used to captain the Friends of Australia Running Teams. After that he became the Official League Director for the Caledonian Universities Netball Teams.
Master Bates and Seaman Staines: these stalwarts of the merchant navy can come on at any time and handle themselves with distinction.
P.S. Ronnie (I married a dolphin*) has agreed to be the team psychologist and motivator!!! So far has also proved to be the good weather talisman.
*Esther was a member of the Maryhill Dolphins Swimming Team, the Mary Dolls for short. Difficult to see the porpoise in falling for a dolphin though.
The 2nd X1 (at the moment) consists of:
Moses: Great in goals in the wet, easily parts the water and is putting pressure on Paul. However Paul has hit back with his GPS - Great Puddle Separator.
Clint Eastwood: Starred in the film 'Play Misty For Me' and hence has an association with Davie. Also took the part of Rowdy Yates in 'Rawhide' - a programme about the after effects of a week in Mosset.
The barmaid at the Merrick: Can't play that well but makes up for it in the showers. Has also agreed to be the team physio and masseuse. It is now difficult to get a team on the park due to the long list of injuries for which a spell on the treatment table is necessary. She has been well warned not to rub Davie up the wrong way. Has been nicknamed 'Lazarus' - something to do with raising the dead.
Fred Goodwin aka Fred the Shred: Team needs a hard man and tough tackler to intimidate the opposition. Fred has never beeen booked or sent off - gets away with murder by apologising to the ref. Once said he wouldn't play football for a pension.
Bill Gates: I.T. expert is needed if/when Johnny goes off - this will depend on what he has been eating or drinking the night before. Used to be the world's richest man but his monopoly on the distribution of software has been hit hard by a little known company working out of Bank Street.
George Michael: Was surfing the net looking for Early Oofters but due to a typing mistake came across us. Liked the look of what he saw when Robert was debagged on the Coran of Portmark walk and thought 'I could do that'. Due to his high profile has asked that his entry to the team should be by the back door. P.S. Worryingly, has not realised he made a typing mistake. Asks what the toilet facilities are.
Justin and Colin (the gay interior designers): Like George were looking for something else on the net. Thought the Early Ooters were about coming out early in life. Have enjoyed the blog and are keen to participate. No use at football but if we need any ball boys...
Muffin the Mule: Most of the squad were brought up on Muffin. It is just as well that Disclosure Scotland was not around when the boys entered the profession, else their careers might not have got off the ground. On second thoughts, might all have ended up as Head Teachers.
A one-eyed clairvoyant called Julian: With his glass eye and crystal balls Julian adds a new dimension when he goes for a tinkle. Lost his eye when hit by a coin thrown from the crowd at a game. Didn't see it coming.
The old geezer from Dollar: following in the traditions of the Old Firm, anyone who has a good game against you is signed up and immediately forgotten about in the reserves. Better to have him on your side rather than playing against him. Used to captain the Friends of Australia Running Teams. After that he became the Official League Director for the Caledonian Universities Netball Teams.
Master Bates and Seaman Staines: these stalwarts of the merchant navy can come on at any time and handle themselves with distinction.
P.S. Ronnie (I married a dolphin*) has agreed to be the team psychologist and motivator!!! So far has also proved to be the good weather talisman.
*Esther was a member of the Maryhill Dolphins Swimming Team, the Mary Dolls for short. Difficult to see the porpoise in falling for a dolphin though.
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