1st X1

Early Ooters 1st X1

In deference to the age of the players, the team is listed in the classical WW formation.

Goalkeeper : Paul
Chosen for his height and knowledge of junior football. Not good when there is a puddle in the goal mouth though – liable to fall in and need rescued.

Right Back : Davie
Reliable full back who sticks to his position (wears 69 on his back). However, when visibility is poor, is known to appear anywhere on the park and claim he knows where he is.

Left Back (in Durisdeer) : Peter
No further comment necessary.

Right Half and Captain : Robert
Due to his prostate problems is easily identified by his long rubber shorts. Claims the best bit of the game is when he tosses at the start of the match.

Centre Half : Johnny, DVD, VCD, DIVX, HDMI and bar
Since his recent operation in France (pictures still available) adds a lot of metal to the defence.

Left Half : Alan
Known to take a fetching picture, our huntin’, shootin’, fishin’ wing half learned his trade at Gayfield before moving on to Queen’s Park. Hairiest moment when he was hunting beaver.

Outside Right : Jimmy
With a name like Jimmy Johnstone, combined with his dribbling skills and his knowledge of the birdies, he had to play on the wing. Insisted though, that after the week at Mosset, Davie had to play hard up behind him.

Inside Right : Allan
The hills are alive with the sound of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me doon frae here’. Likes to play downhill, hence is known to change sides at half-time.

Centre Forward : Holly
Likes nothing more than to play with a piece of wood up front. Teamed up well with Kris Boyd at Rangers.

Inside Left : Rex
Prefers to play Aussie rules and likes to lead the line. Carries little weight other than the rest of the team.

Outside Left : Ian
Requires to eat regularly, hence plays close to the side lines where he parks his piece van. Needs a little prick every now and again – plays next to Rex.

Watch out for coverage of the first game in the Laxative League against Turd Lanark.
A friendly (very friendly) has also been arranged with European giants AC/DC Milan.